Doğduǧun Ev Kaderindir: Bolum 8 - Drawing Lines in the Sand
They had drawn a line in the sand. Not literally, of course. Yet, a line had figuratively been drawn, and the expectation was that they would both honor it, not daring to cross it. Neither of them were operating under the delusion that this marriage would last forever. They were together to build a home and family for Kibrit’s final year of adolescence. However, it was understood that after a year, the marriage would dissolve amicably, and they would part ways as friends. Perhaps you'll agree with me when I say, for two intelligent, rational adults, Mehdi and Zeynep can be bafflingly shortsighted! Their well-laid plan (I use that term loosely) was destined to fail. It did not take into account the possibility; one might even say probability of genuine love becoming a part of the equation. It was bound to happen. Heck! One could argue that Mehdi was in love with his wife before he married her. But even if he wasn’t, we all know that it was only a matter of time before he would surrender his heart and fall. How could he not? She is a beautiful woman with an equally beautiful heart. She has a strong character, and genuine kindness that is not easily found in this world. And with his admission that he is in love with his wife, a new line in the sand would need to be drawn. The old line has been erased by the wave of Mehdi’s love. But that’s the thing about drawing lines in the sand, isn’t it? It is so easy to blur them as you try to figure out on which side you want to stand. And, of course, while you are trying to decide, a wave can come and erase the line altogether.
Lines Drawn
“Do candles pity moths?”― Tolkien, J. R. R.
Mehdi had been so sure of Zeynep’s feelings. She talked with him, laughed with him, cried with him, and defended him. The way she looked at him... the way she relaxed in his arms as she fell asleep against his chest... Everything he thought he knew about being in love was found in those gestures. Yet, her response to hearing him confess that he had fallen in love with her proved (at least in his mind) that he had been wrong. She did not love him. No, that's not quite right. She probably did love him in her own way, but she was not in love with him. He was not in her heart, and as painful as this conversation was going to be, Mehdi knew that he we have to initiate it. If they were going to live as a family for the next year, he could not allow his love for his wife to be the unaddressed elephant in the room.
Zeynep was desperate to organize her thoughts. A part of her knew that Mehdi was in love with her, but she had not allowed herself to think about it too deeply… until now. Being loved by Mehdi would be the most precious blessing, and yet a dangerous temptation. How can being loved by your husband be dangerous? Especially when your husband is a good-hearted, hard-working, generous man who wants to care for you? Well, she would be tempted to allow herself to fall in love with him, in return. And as worthy as Mehdi is of her love, Zeynep still believes staying in the mahalla would mean never realizing her dreams. In her mind, her existence is categorized into “either,” and “or.” She does not realize that she can have both her dreams and a lasting future with Mehdi, and being in love with him is a fearful thought.
However, as she listens to Mehdi tell her that he knows she has not placed him in her heart, she finds herself unsatisfied with his description of her feelings for him. The truth of the matter is that he is very deeply in her heart, but she has compartmentalised her feelings for him into a box; a box that refuses to stay closed. Trying to find the right words, Zeynep tries to explain how she is feeling, but Mehdi will not allow her to speak. Please do not be angry with Mehdi for interrupting her, dear reader. You see, as long as he doesn't hear her confirm that she isn’t in love with him, he can allow at least a small part of himself to hope that he is wrong. And he desperately wants to be wrong. So, instead of allowing her to speak, he tries to assuage her guilt, and assure her that he is okay, before placing a gentle yet lingering kiss on her forehead and leaving the room. Unbeknownst to them both, a new line has been drawn between them. It is a line drawn with love, and respect, but it was also a barrier meant to protect them from developing a deeper attachment to one another. As if there is any deeper attachment than love.
Lines Blurred
“I didn't know then what I wanted, but the ache for it was palpable.”― Sue Monk Kidd, The Mermaid Chair
If Mehdi’s plan was to calm Zeynep’s anxiety by talking with her, he failed. She was more confused now than she was before. There was no way she was going to be able to focus on her studies. Going with him to get tea would provide a perfect opportunity to tell him some of the thoughts swirling around in her mind, and in so doing help her organize her own ideas about love and family. As they drove to the cafe, she probably played out the conversation they were about to have a dozen different ways. She probably thought of several sentences with which she could begin the conversation, and probably even tried to formulate responses to possible questions that he would ask. But, as she stood facing him with her glass of tea in her hand, all of her mental preparation scattered, and instead of asking him safe questions with answers she could predict, she found herself asking with stark honesty, “How do you know this is love, Mehdi?” He, himself, had confessed that he had never felt the emotion before. How could he be sure that what he was feeling for her wasn't mere attraction, or even infatuation? As Mehdi weighed her question, Zeynep realized that she was dreading his answer. What if his answers proved that it wasn't love? Would the idea of him not being in love with her scare her as much as his love did? She had a sinking suspicion that it would scare her even more.
Any fears she had, vanished as she listened to his answer. What Mehdi feels towards his wife is most definitely love. It isn't a love based on something as changeable as physical appearance, nor is it contingent upon good behavior, or expectation. The love he has for her is complete. The great, the bad, and everything in between... he has all of her in his heart. Even if Zeynep had been given several hours to make up this conversation in her mind, she never would have formulated that answer. Mehdi loves her. It is an honest, deep, and complete love. Even her recitation of her past faults, and warnings about her current failures could not change that fact. True love, real love is not frightened away so easily. In fact, real love predetermins to stand by it’s lover and fight alongside them. Zeynep has never known a love like this, and seeing it shine so brightly in Mehdi’s gaze was intoxicating.
Suddenly, the air around them shifted. The murmur of the other patrons quieted, the sounds of the city hushed, and even the wind grew silent. A firm yet gentle pull of electricity drowned out everything except Mehdi and Zeynep. The desire to connect to each other with more than words and feelings became almost overpoweringly strong, and without realizing what she was doing, Zeynep closed her eyes, and lifted her face, ready to receive Mehdi’s kiss. Her movement may have seemed miniscule to anyone passing by, but Mehdi felt her invitation like a shot of liquid fire straight to his gut. His wife was asking for his kiss. No, strike that. His wife who he loved was asking for his kiss. That invisible line that they had drawn not even an hour ago was being trampled under the emotion and desire of this invitation…
But this is only Bolum 8 of a Turkish Dizi. Having a husband and his wife kiss? What a preposterous idea! (I joke. And low key want to give that kid a little love tap, and by love tap I mean a swift upper cut to his jaw, for interrupting them. But, hey. When Zeynep and Mehdi do finally kiss, we will have the release of a wellspring of desire to look forward to. ?)
Lines Crossed
“The sharing in love is exclusive for couples and inclusive of house work. The more the sharing, the sweeter the pairing.”― Vincent Okay Nwachukwu, Weighty 'n' Worthy African Proverbs - Volume 1
Isn’t it amazing that the simplest moments can bring a smile to our lips? Dear reader, did you, like me, fine yourself grinning at these two as they awkwardly walked around each other before settling in for the night? It is such a simple, yet adorable scene. Instead of suffering an evening on a settee with an exposed spring, Mehdi once again joins his wife in their bed. The couple does not immediately go to sleep, however. They have a job to do. They need to choose a new couch on which one of them will sleep in the future. The invisible line which they had drawn earlier in the day has been blurred, but it is still there. Sleeping in the same bed is certainly tempting, but it is not wise. It would make their invisible line in the sand even more difficult to see. So together, Mehdi and Zeynep look for a new couch. Comfort is, of course, of the utmost importance. However, there is one other attribute which is necessary as far as Mehdi is concerned. Zeynep must like it. Imagine walking in on this scene. To look at them, one would think they are looking at a normal, happily married couple, who enjoys talking with one another as they make decisions about their home, before turning off the lights and going to bed. One wouldn't suspect that this couple is crossing a line that may ultimately lead to heart ache.
As far as Zeynep is concerned, there wasn't even a choice to make. There was no way that she would allow her husband to sleep on a couch that could potentially draw blood. Inviting him to join her in their bed was a natural response to their predicament. And Mehdi? Well, of course he thought the same thing. Joining his wife in their bed was the only thing that made sense. Of course, neither of them could foresee that sometime during the night, Zeynep would end up wrapped in Mehdi’s arms, and pulled close to his body. Even if they could foresee such a thing, I would wager they would have accepted that fate with more than a little happiness in their hearts. The feeling of ease, good humor, and excitement would be intoxicating enough to render their memories forgetful. Line? What line? And even if they did remember their invisible Line in the Sand, I think they would feel completely justified in crossing it. At least… this time.
Lines Ignored
“Touch has a memory.”― John Keats
Their shopping trip didn't have to be like this. They very easily could have walked into a store, selected the best fitting/ best looking items, and parted ways with the promise that they would see each other at the party. Instead, we are treated to an afternoon of cautious delight. As Zeynep directs Mehdi to one of her favorite men's clothing stores, she takes the opportunity to grab a hold of his hand. It is a simple gesture, shared by countless couples through the ages. It is a way to physically connect to the person next to whom you are walking. It is a desire to stay connected even though the distance between you and your loved one is short. Zeynep didn't have an ulterior motive in grabbing Mehdi’s hand. She wanted to feel connected to him. She enjoyed being near him, and wanted him to feel her nearness as wholly as she felt his. And Mehdi? Well, Mehdi didn’t mind in the slightest. His surprise lasted only a moment before he allowed himself to simply enjoy the fact that his wife wanted to hold his hand.
Mehdi’s happiness didn’t end there. When they entered the store, Zeynep explained to the sales associate that they were looking for clothing for her husband. Her husband. It rolled off of her tongue so naturally, almost as though she had been saying it for years. A beam of pure joy unfurled in Mehdi’s heart. Actually picking out the clothes and trying them on was a bit tedious, but he could see the delight it brought to his wife's face. So, Mehdi did his best to hide his discomfort, and boy, was he rewarded! Not once, but twice his wife reached out to straighten his clothing. The first time was when he was wearing a blue jacket over a white shirt. Apparently, the style was to fasten one of the buttons at the waist. Without warning, Zeynep reached out, and fastened the button with her own hands. That shot of liquid fire which he felt the previous day, rushed to his gut again. But that was nothing compared to what he would feel when she straightened the collar of the gray jacket. With delicate, warm hands, Zeynep reached under the collar of the sport coat, and smooth the shirt he was wearing underneath.The brush of her skin against his neck didn't produce a shot of fire straight to his gut. Rather, he sat liquid fire spreading through his whole body. She must have felt it too. And just like the world around them faded away at the cafe, for the briefest of moments, the world faded away inside that clothing store.
Apparently, the world crept back into their view, because soon after their moment of enchantment, Zeynep explained that she would meet Mehdi at the party, but before leaving, she completed their afternoon with a kiss on his cheek. Again, the action seemed so natural, almost as though she didn't think before doing it. Slightly confused, but not at all and happy about it, Mehdi returned her kiss. There was no excuse for these kisses. No feelings, needed to be soothed, no fears needed to be set aside. These kisses were the result of two people wanting to express their affection for one another, uncaring of the invisible line which they had drawn to protect them from what was about to happen.
Lines Remembered
“All division is created in and by the mind.”― Joseph Rain, The Unfinished Book About Who We Are
The last couple of days have been like a dream for Zeynep and Mehdi. It's almost as though they were enjoying the newlywed euphoria that accompanies most new marriage relationships. But, much like real life, that euphoria does not usually last. The real world begins to creep in; differences in temperament, in manners of expression, in understanding... These things creep into a relationship and create division where once there was only unity. In the case of Zeynep and Mehdi, two worlds are colliding, and neither of them are fully prepared for it. Mehdi is not completely ignorant of the affluent lifestyle. He knows the price that many choose to pay in order to have influence and power. Throughout Nermin’s spring party, he has watched the duplicitous actions of those around him. He has heard the double-minded conversations meant to curry favor with everyone while respecting no one. He himself has been on the brunt end of this. He has watched his wife's ignorance of the ugliness that he can see so clearly. But what's worse... he has been reminded that Zeynep is not ready to let go of this world.
He had allowed himself to forget. In between their innocent kisses, caresses, and longing looks, he allowed himself to forget that this marriage is temporary. He allowed himself to ignore the line that he swore he would not cross. He began to think that his relationship with Zeynep was real, and he chastised himself for allowing love to blind him to the truth. And Zeynep? She had allowed herself to forget, too. It was so easy to share in Mehdi’s love. It was easy to forget that she shouldn’t kiss him, or sleep next to him, or accept his comfort. He was the closest thing she had ever known as a real home, and she allowed herself to forget that this arrangement was supposed to be temporary. Which is why, when she was preparing for bed, she carefully covered the loose spring on the settee, and determined to sleep upon it. She did not offer any good-night kisses or even initiate meaningful conversation. Instead, she redrew their line in the sand.
Both Mehdi and Zeynep went to sleep with hurting hearts that night. They felt the acute pain of smudging the line, of crossing it, and of having to redraw it with new resolve to not approach it, again. But maybe there is hope in that, dear reader. Because that’s the thing about drawing lines in the sand; they can always be erased and redrawn. And sometimes, they are redrawn in the most unexpectedly delightful ways.
